I blacked out during the first program that I hosted for my new job. There is a span of time where I know I was running the program but I cannot account for that time. Similar to when you drive to work and don’t remember how you got there. My new year’s resolution was to fear less. I literally have a necklace that says “fear less” on it that I started wearing to all of our lobbying meetings, along with my cross earrings, because speaking to people in power who likely are going to disagree with you is scary as hell.
As January has come and gone and we are well into the new year, I realized I have been performing my job to a satisfactory level while being terrified the entire time. I got an excellent mid-year performance review. Our partner organization was so impressed with a website mock up that I did that they offered to pay me to redo their webpage. Friends I talk to say that they are very proud of the work that they’ve seen me do.
And yet all I want to do is scream “I am not qualified to do this!” and curl up in a little ball where it is more comfortable. It’s funny, when I say I am working with formerly incarcerated individuals people ask me if I am afraid. I’m not afraid of the people I work with. I’m afraid I won’t be a good enough advocate for them. It’s almost paralyzing. I’m so afraid that my actions will hurt people, that I don’t want to act at all.
So when someone tells me I’m doing good work I look at them like they have three heads because: don’t they know that I am a giant imposter with no training whose blazer is from Goodwill and has gained weight since college so the blazer doesn’t actually fit right? Don’t they know I’m terrified all of the time? Don’t they know I’m actually a gigantic failure?
Because truthfully, the things I feared most about this job have come true. People hated the theatre exercises that I incorporated into our advocacy programs. Formerly incarcerated individuals we were working with disagreed with elements of our program and left. So I failed.
I have to learn to sit in this icky place of failure without immediately jumping to 1) I am a bad person or 2) this goal is hopeless. Sometimes, 1) I am in the wrong and 2) the goal needs to be readjusted, but those are two very different things. Cue mindfulness. Cue Yoga. Cue being present in uncomfortable situations. Which sucks because now rather than blacking out while giving a presentation I have to acknowledge that I am doing something new and I am afraid it won’t go well. Rather than barreling through the emotion of fear and masking it with anger and defensiveness I have to actually feel it. Cue vulnerability. Cue Brene Brown. Cue I was way more comfortable making new year’s resolutions like “drink more water” that I could check off on a to do list.
The concept that I can fail at a task without it being a moral failing on my person is genuinely revolutionary to me. My accomplishments do not equal my value as a human being. I thought that I knew this. Turns out I am still the same person who was pissed she graduated 11th in her class instead of 10th because the students with the ten highest GPAs were recognized at graduation.
Out here in the “real world” there is no class rank. There is no easy barometric of success. There are no road maps, no pre-defined next steps, or easy boxes to check. Which is equally freeing and terrifying. It’s a lot less comfortable, but a lot more life-giving. As one of my professors used to say, "You just have to do it through the scared."