It goes without saying that March did not go at all how any of us expected it to. Jokes were tossed around that no one anticipated giving up this much for lent. I actually was working from home the week before we were all told to because my laptop at home had the software I needed to edit a video. We had three events planned at different locations throughout PA. The next thing I knew I was cancelling events, making infographics to spread information, and generally feeling more helpless than ever.
The last two weeks of March I went back and forth oscillating between cleaning, baking, cooking, cutting flowers, and generally doing things to take care of the house and then laying in bed crying, not knowing what to do, sleeping long enough to pretend all of this was a dream.
All the while I was housed, employed, and food secure. My events were cancelled, my boyfriend couldn’t come visit anymore, I had lost a lot of direction with my job, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I wasn’t the end of MY world. Still, I felt crippled by an overwhelming sense of injustice that people could lose their jobs, health insurance, housing, childcare, and well-being in the span of weeks. Even more infuriating, the thing we were supposed to do to help was to stay at home, shut our doors, not put out food in the food pantry.
Another meme I saw going around was “why did I bother buying a 2020 planner” Which reminded me of this bible verse, often quoted on planners for sale in Christian Book Stores:
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
This bible verse was how I conceptualized my faith at 13 years old. The way I answered the age old question “Why do bad things happen to good people?” was that it was all a part of God’s plan and He would take the bad things and turn them in to good. The problem with that theology is that it does not do much comfort for anyone while they are in the midst of the Bad Thing.
I don’t want to believe in a God that planned the trauma, mental illness, and grief that I have suffered through just so that I can turn out a better servant to him on the other side. That’s an “the ends justify the means” kind of God and I don’t think God works that way.
I have heard the pandemic referred to as collective grief. Unfortunately, I generally hate the way that Christianity has dealt with grief.
“It was their time.”
“They’re in a better place now”
“They’re no longer suffering”
“Heaven gained another angel”
“God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle”
“It’s all a part of God’s plan”
I recently learned of a term called “spiritual bypassing.” According to Wikapedia spiritual bypassing is a ‘tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks"
When I was at my friend’s funeral in 2016 I did not want to be prayed over because I was sobbing uncontrollably. I just wanted to sob uncontrollably.
I don’t know about any of you but I do not feel like I can handle this pandemic. There was so much more work and so much more good I could have done in PA. There were lessons I could have learned. I am grieving because our program was cut short. I had to leave a space where I was learning and growing and coming in to my own as a young adult. My plans were derailed and I don’t think God had anything to do with it.
A verse I find far more helpful is from 1 Kings, but it's a bit too long to put on a 2020 planner.
"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave." 1 Kings 11-13
God is not in the pandemic. God is in the still small voice, the gentle whisper. The healthcare worker. The grocery store clerk. The food drive coordinator. The teacher learning how to lesson plan over Zoom. The neighbor taking the kid next door for a walk so that the parent can get some work done. My housemate driving us all to Sonic to get comfort food.
I’m thankful for the still small voices who have checked up on us and supported us throughout this difficult time.